In a display of presidential grace rarely seen since the days of George Washington, President Donald J. Trump paid tribute to the late Robert Mueller by immediately posting on Truth Social: “Robert Mueller just died. Good, I’m glad he’s dead. He can no longer hurt innocent people!”
Mueller, the 81-year-old former FBI director and special counsel who spent two years and $32 million investigating whether Trump colluded with Russia (spoiler: he didn’t), passed away Friday after a battle with Parkinson’s. Trump, ever the class act, wasted no time offering the kind of heartfelt send-off usually reserved for guys who didn’t try to impeach you twice.
“Finally, some honesty from the White House,” said one Trump supporter who has been waiting for this moment since the Steele dossier dropped like a bad sequel. “We’ve all been thinking it. Trump just had the guts to say it out loud.”
Democrats and the mainstream media, however, reacted with their trademark restraint and decorum. CNN ran a 24-hour chyron marathon declaring it “a new low in human decency,” while MSNBC hosts clutched their pearls so hard they left bruises. “How could he not pretend to be sad about the man who weaponized the FBI against him?” sobbed one teary-eyed pundit. “This is worse than January 6th, worse than COVID, worse than that time someone looked at me funny!”
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt clarified that Trump’s statement was not, in fact, a celebration of death but a celebration of justice. “President Trump has always been clear: the Russia hoax was a disgrace,” she said. “Mueller’s report was basically ‘We found nothing but we’re mad about it.’ Now the guy’s in heaven, probably still looking for that pee tape.”
At press time, liberal Twitter (now just X with extra whining) was demanding Trump issue a formal apology, attend Mueller’s funeral in a hair shirt, and maybe rename the Mueller Report the “Trump Was Totally Innocent Report.” Trump responded with another post: “Fake News still crying over a witch hunt that never happened. Sad!”
Rest in peace, Bob. Or don’t. Trump doesn’t care either way.